Let’s face it, whether you initiated the divorce or not, finding out that your Ex has a girlfriend feels like a punch to the stomach.
I actually was the one who initiated my divorce and I have no regrets for doing so. Ours was actually “amicable” for the most part but when he told me he now has a girlfriend and that he wants to introduce her to the kids this summer my world turned upside down.
It had only been a little over a year since we separated, 8 months since I moved out and 3 months since the divorce was finalized legally. Here I was trying to pick myself back up, work on self care and was just getting into a steady groove with the custody and myself when he broke the news. I immediately went into panic mode. It didn’t help that my Ex is 44 and his new girlfriend is 29, never been married and doesn’t have any kids. Thoughts went crazy inside my head. She’s going to move into the dream house I gave up, they’re going to get married, he won’t sign a prenup, they’ll have new kids, our kids will get pushed out financially, she’ll try to affect my alimony, she’ll be a mean step mom or worse she’ll be an amazing step mom and my kids will love her more than me and the list goes on and on. I cried the entire weekend with anxiety and panic and didn’t sleep for 3 nights.
True all these things could be a reality but I had to snap myself out of this pity party somehow. I slowly started to realize that I couldn’t do anything about it and it was out of my control. Sure I could express my feelings that I thought it was too soon for an introduction and that the kids should come first and to keep new relationships separate and private for as long as possible, but in reality he may not take my feelings into consideration. Let’s face it, that’s partly why I’m divorced.
I then realized that I was wasting my time obsessing about him and his new life and feeling sorry for myself and the life I gave up that was supposed to be mine but didn’t work out that way. I reminded myself that I chose to leave and I have no regrets. And whether you chose to leave or if he left you, the only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids when you have them and make yourself a better person for you. It’s time to be selfish. I was giving him all this space inside my thoughts and fears and anxieties and allowing him to occupy my brain which was still allowing him to control me when I wasn’t even physically near him.